Have you ever been bothered by those pesky people? Is your popularity tearing you and your Netflix account apart? You'll no longer drown in your overwhelming social life if you follow these quick tips from the social experts!
Step one:
Repeat everything anyone says in an annoyingly high pitched voice, especially if they're trying to tell you something important or personal. As they pour their hearts out, roll your eyes and mock everything they tell you. Tell them that their tears are "dampening the mood". Smile in satisfaction as they leave.
Step two:
Make sure to Tweet everything personal that your friends tell you*. From embarrassing stories to heart wrenching tales of woe; let the world know.
Step three:
Always point and laugh at the disabled. People may not appreciate this and may think that you are a horrible person. You may begin to feel like a terrible human being. Do not be alarmed. The tactic is working!
Step four:
When invited to those never-ending horrors known as sleepovers, make sure to fully take advantage of the host's efforts. Put your feet up on the furniture and refuse to use coasters. As soon as you arrive, lock your host out of their house and unpack all of your things into the drawers, moving their clothes out as necessary to make room for yours. Squat there for weeks until you are escorted out by the police. You'll never talk to those friends again!
Step five:
If you still happen to have a few stragglers hanging around, you have to take extreme measures. Move out into the woods, change your name, and use your wits to survive. Learn which berries are poisonous through trial and error. Maybe start a tribe of 12 year olds and hunt a pig or two. Then get rid of all of the children as soon as they start to want to be your friends. Success! You are now a hermit.
After sending others away in droves, you'll be as maladjusted as ever!
*You may see that these people come back to you, thanking you for taking a weight off their shoulders by putting them out in the open. You have failed.
Looking For Alaska:
2h 30mins on the bus ride back from Disney
I love it. I have enjoyed your misanthropic posts and comments all year.
ReplyDeleteFantastic. Your humor is awfully lovable. Also, great vocabulary.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if I should laugh or cry at this post. This is truly the darkest humor at it's best. I love it!
ReplyDeleteI absolutely adore this. I am crying I am laughing so hard. The disabled people thing was absolutely terrible and hilarious. I love your creative and humorous idea for this post Sienna.
ReplyDeleteWouldn't becoming a hermit in the woods make it hard to get Netflix? NO I KNOW! you will get a satallite dish! You should know that even if you move to the woods I will still find you and make sure you see sherlock.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if this was intentional or not, but I loved your rhyme in "to heart wrenching tales of woe; let the world know". I hope you don't actually use any of these tactics.. but if you do, let me know in advance.... I love you humor! It's so distorted and shocking.
ReplyDelete